Well, maybe not “loved”. To all the boys I’ve crushed on before.
Last night, I was brainstorming a second chance story that I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be able to write pretty soon but it was still too fun not to brainstorm, when I suddenly thought about all the boys I’ve ever had a serious crush on. All my life, I’ve only ever had a real, true deep crush on four guys, not including the ones na kinikilig lang ako kapag nakikita ko ‘tapos pag di ko na nakikita, di ko na naiisip. Yeah, four guys… and not including Nick Carter, Travis Fimmel, David Gandy and Chico Lachowski.
So did what anyone would do, checked Facebook. I found three of the four.
The first guy I had a serious crush on was E. This was when I was in elementary, as in I was nine. I couldn’t say he was cute then because based on my memory, guwapo siya eh. Tisoy, matangkad, he was cool with a hint of bad boy-ness. They lived on the same street as we did and my grandparents were friends with his. His grandfather was a former Philippine senator.
Did he look at me? Probably not. I was a small girl with big eyes hidden behind huge, Coke-bottle glasses with rat’s nest hair you can’t tame even if you used hair spray, mousse and a whip. Did he know I had a crush on him? Aside from it being so painfully obvious, I also had two older cousins who played basketball with him who would cough like they were auditioning for a Solmiux commercial whenever they all come to the house. I feel sorry for my eight-year-old self.
Last I heard about him was that he had a kid. We moved away when I was seventeen, and I’d already gotten over my crush on him so I didn’t keep tabs. But I found him on Twitter last night. Apparently, I remember him through an Instagram filter because he wasn’t tisoy OR matangkad 😂 and he wasn’t “guwapo” anymore, at least to me. And he does have a kid and he appears to be a single dad. But his kid is cool. She’s into muaythai and kicks ass, and he’s obviously crazy about her because most of his Instagram pics is of her, and his tweets are stories about his kid. If you asked me then, he didn’t seem like the type who’d turn out to be a good dad. Chickboy kasi siya n’un. I’m just glad he turned out the way he did with his daughter.
My high school crush was R. We first met when we were 14, when they moved to the house next door. It used to be my grand-uncle’s house before they sold it. They had a veranda at the back of their house just outside and to the side of my bedroom. He was a chubby baby siopao (like Tan from my Wattpad story, The Mansion #plugging). Singkit na singkit siya with floppy hair. We first talked about school (he went to La Salle Greenhills), our families (he’s the nephew of a former Philippine president), things we liked and his German Shepherd who I adore.
I don’t go out much but I noticed that he’d be at the veranda a lot and we’d talk, and then he went away for the summer. When he came back, I… didn’t recognize him. He shot up to 5’11”, lost all his baby fat, and looks like a typical chinito heartthrob/Korean idol. I wouldn’t have believed it was him until I the doggo slather him with so much affection that I realized that yeah, it was R. And I kind of tripped into attraction.
We started to hang out together. By this time, I’d already lost the glasses and I’ve already learned how to beat my curly hair into submission, so I was already a little more comfortable with myself, and about having a crush on a guy. We weren’t very close but we hang out the way two people hang out at the start of a friendship.
It never went anywhere though, especially since we moved away and we lost touch.
I didn’t find him on Facebook or Twitter, but I know that he’s already married and has a little girl with a name that’s really close to my second name.
In college, I had a crush on a classmate. We met each other when we were sophomores when we were both waiting to give our prof our class cards. We both missed the first week of classes because we had to go home as my grandfather and his grandmother passed away. I didn’t immediately have a crush on him. I don’t even remember how I did. All I know is that one day, I was walking near the Oblation Field on my way home and someone pulled my clip off, and I turned, ready to karate chop the b@stard, who ended up being him. And he was laughing. He did give it back and we ended up talking for a while, and offered to walk with me to town. I didn’t have my jacket then, too, and, well, he didn’t offer his jacket, exactly. He pulled me inside his jacket with him. Sooo yeah.
But as things usually went when it comes to me and guys, he ended up dating my best friend at that time. And that was my first real heartbreak because I really fell for him. But that wasn’t the part that hurt me the most, it’s that my friend lied to me and made me look and feel stupid. We, my best friend and I, stayed friends for a few years after that because I thought a guy wasn’t worth losing a friend over. We had a falling out a few years later that didn’t have anything to do with a guy.
J and I are Facebook friends so it was easy to check in on him. He’s doing well and I realized that I missed him. He had been a friend then, and I missed that friendship.
The last guy is N, and I was already working when we met. I didn’t have a crush on him at the start. We were parts of different groups during the start of our training at the new job but I became friends with a girl who used to be his workmate and who was really close with him. She had a love emergency one time and called me up, wanting to hang out, so I went to see her. I didn’t know she called him up too so I was surprised when he came. That was when we started hanging out. We became really close that I even told him about my crush on another of our wavemates.
N isn’t really that tall pero guwapo siya (sa ‘kin) at chinito rin siya. He’s really sweet and girls/women just flock to him. Maybe because he’s the non-threatening type and, sabi ko nga, sweet. He’s the boy-next-door, guy-best-friend type that you just inevitably fall for after a while even if all he ever did was sit there with you. Or maybe it’s because of that? I don’t know.
Then came Valentine’s Day… it’s a story I already wrote about in the start of my book Sa Kanya Pa Rin #plugging so I won’t write it down again here. He’s also a Facebook friend so I visited his profile. He was carrying a baby on his profile pic! But it turned out that it was his nephew. The last time I talked to him, we were talking about getting married… not to each other though. Friends, remember? He was my second heartbreak because I knew I fell in love with him too. We eventually lost touch and I eventually stopped singing Sa Kanya Pa Rin. Last night, I realized that I missed him too.
The last two guys, I think, I’m pretty sure I loved both of them. They were friends even before I fell for them. It’s just not meant to be the type of love I write about with a neat happily ever after. Sad 😢 haha
Actually, it was sad when it happened, but I’ve always been resilient, and I’m actually more used to being alone (which is a whole ‘nother blog entry), especially now. I freak out at the thought of being with someone. Like I’d automatically say “pakilala mo naman ako sa friend mo!”, but when someone takes me up on it…
So please don’t. Please don’t take me seriously when I say ipakilala n’yo ako sa friends n’yo. And this is not reverse psychology. I mean it. You know how Erica (Lex’s Erica) said that? It’s like that. She was joking. She really didn’t mean for Mere to introduce her to Lex.
I’m actually happy for the four guys. They seem happy, or at least Instagram- and Facebook-happy. I wish they really are. And maybe I’d say hi to the last two guys.
No, I’m still not singing Sa Kanya Pa Rin. It’s more like I Remember the Boy… and I do remember the feeling but I don’t feel it anymore. And know what? I kinda miss the feeling.
Hello, Universe! Where’s my Chico? Dito na me!